Feeling Lumpy

When I first started talking to people about being in full time ministry, I was told on more than one occasion- "If you can do anything else and be happy, do it instead." I've been warned time and time again that it's not a business for the faint hearted, thin skinned, easily offended. I'm learning how true that is.

The thing about being a pastor is that when it's good, it's really, really good. I get to be on the frontlines of life change. I see it happening firsthand. I get to officiate weddings, and be a part of those couples' special day. I get to baptize children who have trusted Jesus to save them. I get to talk to men every day who are figuring out that Christian doesn't equal wimp, and are choosing to love the Lord and their families better. I get to walk beside people who are choosing to love Jesus, and we're figuring out together how that plays out in life everyday. What does it mean to love Jesus at home? At work? When I'm grocery shopping? When I'm out to eat? When I'm playing with my kids? It is an incredible honor to walk with those people.

Unfortunately, I'm also on the frontlines for the not-so-good. And when it's bad, it can be really, really bad. This weekend, I experienced some of the bad. I felt attacked. I felt let down. I was angry, discouraged, disappointed, hurt. I had thoughts of typing up a letter of resignation, of just quitting and throwing in the towel. But all day long, my Father has comforted me. Just today he spoke to me through words of kindness from friends, a song on the radio that said, "It's all yours, God, everything is yours," a blog post from my wife (who is seriously one of the wisest, most Godly women I know- I married way over my head), a sermon I read online, a phone call from a pastor/mentor...It's just been all day. He's spent the whole day covering me with reassurance. Reminding me that He's still God, and He's still in control of things. That He knows my hurts and disappointments, and will walk with me through them.

I don't expect God to remove my frustrations or hurts. I think instead He wants to use them to shape me, to make me something better. In Job 2, after Job has lost all of his livestock, children, and health, his wife says, "Why don't you just curse God and die?", and Job replies, "You're talking crazy. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"

In Jeremiah 18, God sends Jeremiah to a potter's house to watch him make a pot. God tells Jeremiah that His people are like clay in the hands of a potter. Have you ever seen someone throw clay on a wheel? They throw it, pound it, poke it, cut it, shave it, squeeze it, shape it- and if it gets wobbly, they'll wad it up, throw it down again and start over in order to get what they want out of that lump of clay.

Psalm 66:8-12 "Praise our God, o peoples, let the sound of His praise be heard; He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For You, o God, tested us; You refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads. We went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance."

What I'm saying is this- this weekend was tough. I'm not over it. I'm still upset, and get mad talking about it or thinking about it. But I know God has a plan. He is shaping me, poking me, carving me, refining me. He will use this to make me a better pastor, Christian, husband, daddy, a better instrument for His kingdom. And I also know that the people that hurt me, the ones I'm upset with, the ones I'm mad at- Jesus died for them. God loves them deeply, and I should, too. Even when they're unlovable, my responsibility is to love them, take care of them, encourage them, and serve them. Jesus washed Judas' feet, too.

Ugh...feeling like a lump of clay tonight...
-Jared