Into the depths of honesty and confession

I'm going to be real open and honest with you blogger peeps, whoever you may be. I've haven't blogged in quite some time for two reasons:

1. Our computer has officially died. Hopefully the computer shack that it's at can repair it enough to get our pictures off of it, otherwise I will have a fit.

2. I have been completely exhausted/overwhelmed/going to fall asleep standing up since school started.

BUT...today was a great day. This school year hasn't been the greatest so far. In fact, it's been very difficult. Let me just say that it's been a long time since I've wanted to quit a job on a daily basis. In fact, the last time was when I worked the summer as a beer cart girl on the golf course...not my finest job I know. It seems like this year we've got so much more to do that I am actually not able to do anything at all. Does that make sense? If you're a teacher, it should. More curriculum to squeeze in, more documentation, more pullouts, more blah blah blah. With all the "more" business I wasn't able to really listen and help my kids. And that DOES NOT fly with me. I could care less about all the new state laws or grant money or any of that. My focus has and hopefully always will be the kids. Budgets will get cut. TAKS has already changed and will change to something else. Curriculum fads will come and go. But I am a teacher. A teacher doesn't change with the tides. Their focus should always be on the best interest of the students. And when I feel like people won't leave me alone and let me do that....I get a little irritated. Now, I told you I was going to be open and honest, and if this offends you then just stop reading my blog, because eventually I'll get to the good part. Sometimes I feel unsuccessful at my job. Like there are so many other "paperwork" deadlines and 5E lesson plans that there's just not enough time in the day. By the time I finally go home, I'm exhausted and Sam is just about ready for bed. That again DOES NOT fly with me. I am Mommy first, then Mrs. Hollier. This morning, just like every other morning, during the moment of silence I pray. I pray for a good day, for me to love these kids like Jesus, and for me to have patience with certain groups that will come through my door. But today, I meant it. For the past two weeks, I'd been going through the motions hoping that it would make a difference. Today, I actually stopped and earnestly seeked God and begged Him to help me make a difference. I couldn't stand the feeling of not making a difference, of being one of "those" teachers who should've called it quits a long time ago. I couldn't handle that feeling another day. And do you know what? God answered.

It's amazing how God responds when you earnestly seek Him. When you stop faking it and stop praying the "right" things, but when you get real with God. He knows our deepest longings and desires. But He wants us to give it to Him. God knows my heart. He knows how much of difference I want to make with these kids. He knows how exhausted I am by the end of the day. God knows it all. But for some crazy reason, I think I can press on in my own strength. I know I'm not good enough. I know I can't do it alone, but the devil tricks me into thinking that I can. I can do this. If I could just get this done, If they would just leave me alone, If they would stop....on and on and on.

If I would just bring God with me, everything would work out. And today, I did. And today...it worked out great.

I pray that this word would encourage you to do the same thing. No matter where you're going or what you're doing, bring God with you. I heard this song a long time ago but the lyrics always stick in my head:

Can you not tarry a while
Can you afford me a moment
I have got so much to say
I've got an ocean to show you
Can you not spare just one smile
Can you not sit at my table
We could be the best of friends
If you would just let me in
But you won't'
Cause you don't
Think you're in need

(Chorus:)Can you see
How His heart breaks
When He wants so much to carry you through
Can you hear
He is calling you,
drawing you
Just to be part of your story
Let Him live in the heart of your story
How He longs to be part of your story

Do you remember a time
When all your flowers were blooming
You had a reason to live
When you had someone to follow
That was then
This is now
Something's changed

Each day we live
We turn another page
Will He be right there inside
Found in each line
Found in each phrase?

Jesus is there at the door
Why don't you get up and answer
You could be the best of friends
If you would let him come in

Can you see
How His heart breaks
When He wants so much to carry you through
Can you hear
He is calling you, drawing you
Just to be part of your story
Can you fall
With your face down
Swallow your poisonous pride and be free
Can you feel
There's a wealth of compassion
That flows from the heart of the king
Won't you let Him be part of your story
Let Him live in the heart of your story