Desperation

You know you're exhausted when you don't hear your baby crying in the middle of the night and your husband can't wake you up. Oops. Normally on Saturday nights I get up with Sam for all of his feedings since Jared has to work on Sundays. I know that Sundays are a big day for him, so I try and keep things really quiet so he can get good rest at least that one night of the week. I didn't do such a great job last night. Our little Sam, I'm afraid, has got his nights and days mixed up and thus causes mommy and daddy to not get any sleep between the hours of 10-2 usually. By two o'clock he's usually getting things figured out, but by then we are already exhausted enough that we're falling asleep standing up...practically. But tonight, during one of those moments where I was fighting sleep and so was Sam the Lord revealed some really amazing truths to me.

About 11 o'clock Sam wakes up...again. He's not hungry, dirty, etc. The list goes on. He's just fussy I guess. I tried to let him "cry it out"...which is the worst feeling in the world. After what I felt was long enough, I picked Sam up and began to try and console him. I did everything in my power to make him feel better and nothing worked. NOTHING. We rocked. We sang. We burped. "We" did everything mommy could possibly imagine to make him go back to sleep and stop fussing. By midnight, Sam was still awake...and "fussing" to say the least. Finally, I make my way into the living room and just about in tears I sit down in the glider and tell Sam (out loud in one of those quiver voices right before you start to bawl your eyes out) that I had done everything I knew to do and that I couldn't do anything else. I had nothing left to give him, so I guess he was just going to have to keep crying. After I get through with my whole spill, I look down and what do I see? My son... sleeping in my arms. SLEEPING! AMAZING. Who knew me pouring my soul out would be so soothing to him.

As I watched him sleep, the Lord revealed a lot about the relationship that He desires to have with me. When I realized that I couldn't do it on my own, when I was honest with where I stood with Sam, he finally went to sleep. And I was very happy about that. But the same is true for God. He wants us to come into a place where we realize that we can't do this thing called life without Him. When we finally give up trying things our way, realize that we have nothing to give, then He can begin to work. In the same way that I had desperation to figure out what was wrong with Sam and wanting so bad for someone to tell me what to do, God wants us to have that desperation and need for Him. He wants us to rely on Him for all our cares, worries, fears...everything. In that moment, when I felt like I had nothing left to give, God gave me a little glimpse inside His heart.

I'm praying that I would realize more each day how much I need God for everything. There is no way I can be a godly wife, mommy, teacher...whatever without His help. I hope you realize how much you need Him too. He's always waiting for you if you'll just call on Him.

~Elizabeth